Royal Hobby
by Qelinor
Summary: A story about Zoisite's hobby, Beryl's hobby, and all the troubles the royal whims bring to subordinates. Warning for DiC victims - Zoisite is male! PG only for that.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: bored of that stuff, really. Thanks to Naoko Takeuchi and Toei Animation. Profit neither meant nor gained.

Royal Hobby

It happened in one of those alternative universes, where after the fifth season Dark Kingdom and XX century Tokyo coexisted peacefully, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Well, almost everyone. For example, Jadeite was a bit irritated. The central power generator of his apartment got lost. Means no electricity for computers and for lighting the library. As a result he had to divinate on runes in the glow of Aurora Borealis in order to chart the power flows in DK. Then the generator could be found, if it was still within the kingdom, if it was running, if.. if... Jadeite did have some reasons to recall the choicest language expressions.

Kunzite felt amiss as well. The whole Zoi was missing. Unlike Jadeite, the Ice Lord didn't even know how to start searching. Zoisite was always by his side, in the call range... And now not a sight or sound for three hours in a row.

Despite some intoxication degree Nephrite was also not quite happy. For full ecstasy he missed his free satellite TV channel - the black crystal. And it's sad to drink without some hentai movie. You'd start pondering on the sense of life, injustice of the social structure, and the fate of Motherland... and soon end up hanging yourself.  
But the Astrologist had a reliable search system.  
"The stars know everything"  
The dome of the meditation hall winked wickedly. And that's all.  
"The stars know everything! Where's my crystal"  
No response.  
"The stars don't know yet what I'll do to them if they don't tell me everything they know"  
The celestial bodies held counsel and decided not to tempt fate. At last Nephrite observed the current location of his crystal, roared and rushed in the defined direction.

Meanwhile, notwithstanding his own pessimistic forecasts, Jadeite pinpointed an energy junction similar to his generator in operation. The Illusionist attempted pulling an evil face and marched to the place of signal. He arrived there just half a minute later than Nephrite. But both generals left their possessions rest for a while...

Then Kunzite found his missing easily too - the cries of Zoi resonated all over the kingdom. He teleported to the epicenter of commotion to rescue his treasure from spanking by Nephrite and Jadeite.  
"What-was-that-about!" he inquired in a lethally level tone.  
The other lords had to limit their indignation to verbal means.  
"That scoundrel weasel!" shouted Nephrite in a huff.  
"That... Zoisite, to put it mildly!" came the backup from Jad.  
"Swiped my black crystal"  
"Expropriated my power generator"  
"AND WHAT FOR!" they screeched in unison.  
"He could have connected to a cable porn channel!" Neph whined hysterically.  
"He could have hacked all the top secret nets of the US Government!" Jad sobbed.  
"AND INSTEAD!" They both pointed accusing fingers at a construction of the crystal and generator, which was still working. Automatically, supplied with power from the generator, the black crystal was displaying a 17" picture, in which a white-clad girl was gliding on skates, light and agile like a bird.  
Kun sweatdropped. A running line "what's this?" was literally flashing over his head. Tentatively Zoisite peeped from under the white cape.  
"It's European Figure Skating Championship. So what"  
Kunzite just glanced askance at the Star and Glitch Lords, and they swallowed down their protests and other phraseology, collected their belongings and disappeared.  
"Zoi-chan", the supreme lord addressed the space. "Wouldn't it be easier to find a mundane, safe TV set on the Earth"  
The said Zoisite crawled from under the cape.  
"Nope. The human channels are limited in broadcast time and show just some tidbits. So I've invented an autonomous retransmission receiver not to miss a thing.  
"Then why don't you go to the site yourself"  
"Kunzaito-sama, you just imagine - a crowd of humans shouting, whistling and applauding, crazy fans wave huge banners, the seats uncomfortable, you have just one angle of view, and not the best one... So, it's your fault, m'lord! How long I've been asking you to set a satellite receiver for me! And what did you do? Another rose, another compliment, a kiss, and all the consequences... Honestly, you're worse than Nephrite. I can kick him in the mug if he badgers me. And you avail yourself of my feelings to you"  
Kunzite sighed. Here it goes... To be on the safe side, he limbered up fingers to conjure a rose.  
"Zoi-chan, please don't make fuss over trifles. What's so special about that skating, anyway"  
"Figure skating. What would you understand! It's pinnacle of sport and art blended together, where skill and spirit merge, where people strive for perfection to the limit of their strength even after presentations of obvious champions, without the slightest hope for victory"  
In tears and great affliction Zoi teleported away, forgetting even to project sakura petal whirl.  
Kunzite scratched his head. No thanks. See you, I should make a receiver for him. Why not a home video set then? Should I make it with my own hands? I'm a lord of chaos, cha-os! My specialty is destruction, not creation! If he only knew what it costs me to produce those roses! Shoot, I was training for half a year, I've stolen technology - shame on me - from Tuxedo! Enough. I'd better buy a cat, it demands much less maintenance.

In a cellar Zoisite was indulging in self-pity. Now he would never know who won in ladies singles category. And who would be the champion among men's singles on the next day... What could he do? After today's accident Nephrite would take the black crystal with him even to the lavatory. Jad seemed to be angry too. And Kunzite... hopeless.  
One way was left. But it would be Extremely Dangerous. The Queens palantir.

to be continued... 


	2. 

-  
At the evening briefing the Queen received a mysterious parcel. A gift box with a note "from admirer". Er? she wondered. Beryl wasn't spoiled with attention of men. While Jadeite was reading out his report. She scanned the gift with the sphere. No bombs were detected inside, either material or magical. That was a surprise! She pulled the red ribbon off the box, peeped inside - and gasped. For on a velvet cushion there was a garland of burnished steel in the form of a dragon with spread wings, neatly inlaid with rubies and morions. The female nature prevailed.  
"Everyone's free, general Zoisite stays... Jadeite, you can finish the report at home, in front of a mirror, and now get lost"  
Zoisite feigned surprise. His plot seemed to work out... or to be uncovered.  
"Zoi-chan, I know you always have a mirror with you. You'll make a fine pier glass. Come closer. I don't bite today.  
"Er... closer? But your staff gets in the way.  
"No, it doesn't already". And she shoved it to the side of the throne, out of her sight. "Now hold it a bit higher! Now to the left! OK, stop! Wow, sugoi! What do you think? Just don't move"  
"Grand, your majesty". Luckily she couldn't see his smirk from behind the small hand-held mirror, and was too engrossed to notice a slight gesture of his free hand.  
"Sure". Beryl decided to choose a queenly face expression most fitting (in her opinion) to that piece of art.

Zoisite had hard time stifling laughter. He hadn't seen such grimaces since Beryl's coronation. But in half an hour he got anxious. His plan turned out too well. The last stage of competition among men was about to begin, and he didn't yet tune in the right frequency.  
Some thought interrupted another masterpiece of royal mimics, and the woman ordered the general to clear out.  
Left alone finally she rushed to close all doors, portals and hatches. With that present she had nearly missed- She retrieved a cushion and the staff from under the throne, made herself comfortable, waved a hand over the crystal.  
Nothing. One more gesture gave no result again. She rubbed the sphere, knocked on it with nails - still no effect. Moreover, the symbol of her power sounded and felt different. Maybe dust penetrated the microcircuits... Beryl screwed the sphere off the staff. At its bottom her fingers encountered something strange. Three holes, one opposed to the two others. A bowling ball, to be more precise.

At first the Queen intended to beat all her records in screech volume. But for the first time in the last two thousand years common sense won. What would happen if the underlings saw her without her main weapon? And Metallia wouldn't be happy at the loss of government property.  
Suddenly she took liking to thinking logically. Beryl strained her mind, recollected all the events of the day and understood.  
"ZOISITE"  
Zoisite didn't understand anything. By his expectations, Beryl should have been ravishing in vanity and showing off her present for a couple more days. The palantir was already transmitting the first flight finishing warmup, and the first skater taking ice... and here she was! Zoi teleported-  
right into the royal claws.  
"Zoi-chan, darling, give me back my ball, quickly", she purred, "OR I'LL RETURN YA TO KUNZITE IN FRAGMENTS"  
He obeyed.  
"You may live now. And just you dare to skip the morning briefing tomorrow.  
"Y-your M-majesty, how did you guess"  
"Conversation is over, bye-bye! O Metallia, the first flight should start already"  
"What!" the Fire Lord couldn't believe his ears. "You too"  
"Goodness, the tuning is not screwed. What 'I too'? I seee. You too, right? Then I can understand you, and still I won't let you come near my crystal. Yet I can deliver you from all sufferings. I know one way to extinguish any interest to watching TV in work time..." She waved her hand over the sphere, an energy splash flickered in the air. She narrowed her eyes viciously at Zoisite.. Alas, the murderous effect was lost: the insolent demon was securely screened by a tall, broad-chested and quite opaque Kunzite. Grave resolution rang in the voice of the chief general.  
"It is not a good idea, Your Majesty.  
"What are you hinting at, Kun-kun?" Beryl sweatdropped. "I know that Eternal Sleep is out of question in the case of you two. I just meant that the only people who have no time for watching ice shows are the participants. Thereby I command: general Zoisite to take part in the World Championship (ways and methods at his discretion). And I will enjoy the show. If you succeed in taking any prize I will forgive you this incident. If you bring gold I will arrange a personal cable video channel for you. Everyone dismissed. Shoot, will ya get lost, finally!"

to be continued... 


	3. 

Somber Jadeite was roaming his apartment. The news about the extraordinary royal order had spread really fast.  
"A personal channel! To that useless brat! For some rubbish! While I'm slaving away for the benefit and glory of my land 26 hours per day and still can't wheedle out cable Internet for official needs. O Metallia, why did you create me rational if the world is insane"  
After treading a path on the floor he calmed down. "Hey, what if I will bring gold? The justice will triumph!.. Oh my, what did they do to me if I am speaking the language of Sailormoon already... Let's go look at the lists of national combined teams of men. Where would I seep in?"

Somber Nephrite was bashing around his mansion, but the censors and moderators wouldn't let his thoughts be published, though the general direction of his ideas was the same as Jad's: 1. "Why him?" 2. "Why not me?" 3. "Why not me!" But further his thought train followed another path.  
"The lil bug won't get to the final stage even without my rivalry. Sure he'll run to Kunzite for help. They'll make a fine pair. I bet they're very skilled in horizontal skating.  
And the Star Lord burrowed into the garbage can which was his bureau. Somewhere there should be the address of one parfait fan...

Somber Zoisite cowered behind a sofa and was choosing between crying and weeping. In the throne hall, looking at Kun's back, he almost forgave him. But when afterwards the Fire Lord hinted at support in all senses of this word Kunzite paled out to the shade of his cape, pleaded lack of time, incompetence and rheumatism, and disappeared totally.  
A pair departed to the realm of lost possibilities. Zoi was left on his own. He pictured himself alone on a wide rink. How would he display energy, speed and force in such a depression? Also recently they had introduced a rule for men to pull trouser legs over skateshoes. Kunsaito-sama would have said that it's a shame to hide such a delicate ankle line. So let him see what he's losing! The Fore Lord rushed to an antic in search of an old SailorMoon suit. Why not? The skirt is short as required; the bows conceal lack of gender-specific curves. Well, to wear one outfit twice is bad style, but that's trifles. The search, though, revealed that he would not take on the ancient, of the first season, fuku anyway: hordes of moth liked it even more than Kunzite did. Definitely a new suit was needed. This one... it was made by Kun. Kunsaito-sama... Zoi flung the fuku away and fell sobbing into a pile of old clothes. He wanted to howl with despair. When, how had it happened that in his life nothing was left that was not connected with his Lord, his teacher, his love?

Meanwhile Nephrite was spending time at a Tokyo skating rink with Naru. Well, time had its revenge, and he wanted to scream. In his absence that moron Umino had been stuffing her with chocolate parfait, Beijing ducks and other high-calorie trifles. Now the phrase 'a cow on skates' would precisely describe her looks and skills. After picking her up from the ice for the seventeenth time in a row Neph believed he could make career in weight-lifting.  
Automatically in his mind (or where such data were stored in him) he was flipping through the lists of his ex-girlfriends capable of balancing on skates for at least a minute. None among the Tokyo schoolgirls, none of the Tokyo college students, none of the victims of past days, too! There were also youma. Some of them even could skate... But they belonged to Kunzite. No dice.  
Sure the stars know everything, but he could not appeal to them in the crowd. Engulfed in the joyless thoughts Nephrite failed to notice one female comet on skates, and their trajectories met with a great noise. The hit toppled him, and from the contact of his nape with the ice he saw stars without any meditations. Wow! He didn't lose the moment of luck and shouted silently: The stars know everything! Who is the closest good skater?  
The stars were not real. They sprang from his head and knew not more than was stored there. But sometimes it is useful to refresh memories. The Star Lord saw a tall sporty chestnut-haired girl with green eyes, who was spiraling on a silvery skating rink lit by... the Earth!  
Whew, to forget one's own fiancee, princess of Jupiter... Nephrite smashed himself on the forehead, and the stars dispersed. Yet the vision remained. The same stalwart gal faced him now, massaged her body parts hurt by the crash and discussed with Naru how flimsy and uncouth a modern man is.  
"Not quite, miss", the man charged in attack of the maiden heart. "No gentleman would stand a collision with such ravishing beauty, undeniable talent and breathtaking elegance. And now let me take you to a couple of tour around the rink to atone for my endless fault for the first moments of inattention.  
And so on and so forth. Neph and Makoto (sure it was she) glided away, leaving Naru in solitude and pondering over the treacherous men's love and women's friendship.

Jadeite was working in his beloved sphere of activity, and for once it should bring him dividends. He was content.

Zoisite woke up in the antic, on the same pile of clothes. When did he fall asleep? And what did he look like now? Probably he was grimy like a mouse - the surroundings were all grey with dust. Or not all?  
He blinked. Useless. The sight wouldn't disappear. He could not help but squeak with delight. The fuku hang on its place, but every moth-eaten hole was covered with a patch in form of a red rose or a green leaf. And a note was pinned to the bow like a price tag. 'Good Luck'  
Two words sufficed to send Zoisite dancing around the room squeezing the fuku and whistling merrily. Kunsaito-sama still loved him and thought of him!

Meanwhile Kunsaito-sama was standing on the very North Pole, and no blizzard could wipe away his dreary mood. Most of all he wanted to help his little rat, but.. he would never admit confess that he hates rinks as much as Zoi hated sewage pipes. It was one grand mistreating if his soul element. And the Ice Lord chose to offend Zoi-chan just not to see how puny mortals scratch a cold, perfectly level surface with iron thingies and flop onto it with sitting organs.  
For clearing his guilty conscience he fixed the suit for Zoi, but the conscience would not get clearer...

to be finished next time... 


	4. 

Note: it was written a couple of years ago, with the old judging system and old favorites yet...

Finally the doomsday fell upon the main heroes. As Beryl promised, the participants hadn't time even for spying on the rivals, not to mention other entertainment. As a result, only Beryl observed the whole picture. She enjoyed the mere fact that for two months her hyperactive generals didn't bother her with their follies.  
Beryl noticed the red-head among women, but did not fall off her throne. Once she had seen Zoi in SailorMoon suit and was immune to the sight. Another thing puzzled her. Why is the little rat alone? Where's Kunzite? If he's neither on ice nor among the coaches, why in hell was he missing the briefings all that time?  
Zoisite performed compulsory program perfectly, and for the first time in decades Japan was hoping for the gold by talents of Zoisaito Sakura.  
Well, Japan was puffing with pride in that season, for it's team did well in other categories too...

Beryl didn't know where to spit. Watching the free program of dance pairs she had spat over everything within her reach. Sure, the masked tuxedo with sailormoon brat did not make an enjoyable sight. That very urban myth (and I.Kalman's "Princess of Circus" music) was chosen for the theme of performance by Japanese pair Naru and Masato Sanjoin.  
Nephrite agreed wholeheartedly, but had no other choice. Naru agreed to make up a pair with him on three conditions: first, she was choosing theme and costumes, second, she performs under his surname (not to be recognized by the relatives), and third, after the victory the surname remains hers (i.e. he marries her.  
Neph nodded for each point readily, he didn't mind even wearing the Tuxedo Mask's garb during the whole championship. Well, the mask came handy: Masato Sanjoin didn't appear without it, or the spectators would have wondered that the men in Japanese dance and regular pairs looked absolutely the same.  
Don't worry, Naru didn't learn skating urgently. She had just lost some weight after such innerving events, and Neph was able to carry her in arms for the 5 minutes of performance. Besides, dance skating differs from regular one by the lack of complex tricks like lifts, throws, pair jumps etc. All the 5 minutes Naru was hanging around the neck of her fiance and depicting ardent sentiments. The result was 5.8 for technique (thanks Nephrite) and 5.9 for performance (owing to the damsel.  
"I am so glad, my darling!" Naru screeched hilariously swinging a little golden disc on a ribbon, while Nephrite was tugging her into wardrobe in their hotel room.  
"Dream on". The Star Lord tore off the disgusting suit and rushed beck to the stadium. On the next day he should perform in the final stage for pairs. Japanese pair, Kino Makoto and Maxfield Stanton had all chances for victory too.

Then Beryl did fell down off her throne. A general of Dark Kingdom in full uniform (just with skates instead of high boots) and a senshi (Makoto did not have troubles with the choice of dress either)! Total Silver Millenium with accompaniment of Devil's Trill of Tartini.  
But the Queen did not have a chance to come to her senses. She fell down again when after an graceful pair spin the girl raised her partner aloft with ease, made a 'swallow glide' and crossed the rink like that. Where is his lordly dignity!  
We should say, the Star Lord was flabbergasted too when he felt soaring. He had not even time to show indignance properly as the music went on, next elements should be done, over a dozen of times a throw was scheduled, and he would not fail.  
After a jagged step track the pair took a run. The partners were counting times and drew slightly each other closer by elbows. Nephrite chose deliberate points of the maiden waist which he would grip in a moment and fling her fa-ar.  
The second X came, Neph grabbed- emptiness, as he was flying by a low trajectory, and only the snatching gesture helped him to keep balance.  
The spectators burst in applause. A woman carrying her partner was no wonder, it was even fashionable a couple of years ago. But a throw.  
With the last violin trill Mako hung onto him to kiss him with joy. No one doubted the identity of winners among pairs. Half-strangled Nephrite recollected that he promised to marry this one too. Why had he done it? She has been ready for anything even free of charge. Probably it had become a conditioned reflex after Naru.  
Who cares. In his pocket lay a text of one telegram to-be-sent to two addresses in Tokyo: "I'm sorry. I promised to marry another woman. Your liar".

Zoi wasn't pouting, mourning lost independence or feeling down anymore. Maybe there was no life for him without Kunsaito-sama, but when the Ice Lord was with him, even at distance, the world spread open for him, and everything was possible. Fire Lord could nor discern where his own thoughts ended and the music of B.Streisand's "Woman In Love" began.  
The reporters were quietly sniffing into their microphones, but didn't fail to mention the refined technique. No one else in the category could jump so high. No, Zoi-chan overdoes it with levitation, Beryl thought looking into her sphere. She was drooping on the back of her throne, as she had cramps in all sitting surfaces already.  
The last accords faded? the first applause burst, after some bowing Zoi went to pick flowers and toys. Spectators could be delighted, but it is referees who assign points. Zoisite glanced over the row of bald and combed heads stuck to the monitors. Only the last one raised his head. "Everything will be fine", his silvery eyes said. Zoi skipped breathing for about five seconds. Then he turned back, embraced tenderly the heap of teddy-bears and hurried to the "corner of tears and kisses". There he sat down and shone literally, till the results were announced. And sure someone took care that they were the best ones.

On the day before the last one, during men's free program, the public had some rest from surprises. As usually, it was either Yagudin or Plushchenko. Jadeite chose the last one, probably, for the unity of blondes worldwide. Now the Glitch Lord was standing at the barrier, while all eyes, photo- and video cameras on the stadium were recording the perfect, plastic and enchantingly expressive performance of Zhenya Plushchenko. Jadeite was proud of his masterpiece. A human being can make a mistake, and only an illusion is totally perfect. If he had chosen some unknown person from Japan or Pakistan as the prototype of illusion, referees might have gotten suspicious. And a favorite's victory is a norm.

"Tetis, report. Over", Beryl asked her communication bracelet at the wrist.  
"Great, your majesty! So much exultation and emotions! There will be enough energy both for reawakening king Metallia and for plastic operation for him. Over.  
"Ah yeah, I kinda noticed Nephrite's mug, or what? Over.  
"Your majesty, my sensors detected intrusion of Dark Lords five times. But I'm sitting in the last row and can't see a thing, some crazed fans are waving a banner the size of their country"  
"How five"  
"W K"  
"Wha"  
"Who Knows!.. Oh yes, over.  
"Don't leave the post till the last spectator! Out.  
Beryl sprawled all over the throne. The meeting should begin in five minutes.

Against the custom, Zoisite arrived first and hovered in air, fumbling a round of golf instead of his curl.  
A minute later Jadeite stepped forward from the hyperspace, holding with fingertips a golden round in a plastic bag for material evidence. The Queen thought if it was a good moment to faint, but dignity won.  
Jad leered at his colleague and felt afflicted.  
Then Nephrite fell off the teleport, all decorated with gold as an Indian raja.  
"Mmy K-kween!" he had started celebrating double victory long before. "I, twice champion... demand aaa...what?.. hm, rum? N-no, I had that already. A, award"  
Beryl was trying to hide from the crazy reality behind her ball. The sizes would not help her. I should consider a diet, she whined in thoughts. Preferably at a resort with mental specialization. If Kunzite brings now.  
Kun appeared inaudibly, and nothing golden was ornamenting him, except Zoi-chan, of course. The Queen sighed with relief, and even got an idea.  
"Well done, guys! Now to the prizes. What was that I promised? A personal cable channel? You are welcome! My personal channel is at your disposal, the address is: Royal Bedroom, Work hours from evening till morning. Please bring pop corn with you. And you may come in without knocking.  
The Lords froze.  
"Well, we... never mind", Jadeite answered for himself and Nephrite. "We did it just by and by, to teach Zoi a lesson, not for a reward..." And they disappeared.  
"Zoi-chan, let's go", Kunzite opened teleport too. "The night is so beautiful today. I'll invent something till the next winter Olympic games".

"What happened to men nowadays! You can't lure them", Beryl groaned. Somewhere in Tokyo Makoto and Naru received the telegrams and were crying over the same problem. 


End file.
